Sunday, December 16, 2012

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Week in Review: Tears and Joy

I am still in shock over the Connecticut school shootings on Friday. When it first popped up on the news, I actually remember trying to ignore, it, but the that didn't last long.  This news was going to grab my heart and infect my physche.  I was about to be drawn in and transported to a place I did not want to go. I was going to witness and internalize horror, and disbelief along with the rest of the country.  I was going to internalize this and find myself tearing up every 15 minutes, unable to speak.  I was going to seek out my almost grown children, hoping to get same hugs they freely gave at 6 or 7 years old.  They tried, but I knew they could not hug out the pain of a mother in mourning for another, and another, and another.

As the details emerge, and the names of the victims are released, I feel like I have reached a point of complete saturation. I can't hear another word. I can't see another picture. My faucet won't turn off. My heart won't stop hurting.  I keep putting myself in the place of the parents who have lost children,
whose hearts will be broken forever.  It is too much to bear, but so much less than that of those who lost their children.

Meanwhile, life goes on at my house.  My son is home from college, and it looks like he did better than he'd previously guessed he would. My niece has finished her first semester of radiology technology school (This is a Grad School). My nephew's health has improved, and he will be starting college next month.  His sister, another niece, walked away from a pretty bad car accident on Friday and is kicking college's butt.  My son's best friend, the one who was for all intents and purposes was kicked out of public high school, and spent the following years being dragged through homeschooling - kicking and screaming, is also doing well, though his 3rd semester was very difficult. And, last, but not least, my daughter got her fourth or four college acceptance letters.  The last acceptance letter she received was a surprise, we weren't expecting a whole lot from them, especially not a $15,000 a year scholarship, but here it is.  Plus it was her REACH school. She probably won't go there because it is STILL a very expensive school and the arts are not as important there as at other schools she applied to.

I am so proud of my daughter, and all my other babies by birth or relation. They made it through childhood in tact, and are doing so well, even with all of the brick walls, and detours in their lives. These kids in my life have endured parental illness,  loss, and death of too many relatives in general.  There has been parental abandonment, childhood bullying, and alternative educations by virtue of necessity.  Most of these kids have experienced more than one of these issues in their lives and they have overcome them with gusto. They give me tears of joy, almost enough to balance the pain of this world.

Still, there are also young people in my life that I worry about. I have to ask myself, can I do anything to affect trains I can clearly see going down the wrong track?  How much can I sacrifice for young people who they and/or their parents don't want or are incapable of accepting help. What are the consequences if I throw up my hands and walk away. I want to see success in all the young people that surround me.  I don't want them to end up so troubled that they do something unthinkable. Meanwhile, I know all I can do is pray for the future of these people I love, just as hard as I pray for these lost souls I don't know.

Meanwhile, my heart is heavy in spite of all this happiness and success.



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